My Journey is a personal story that stems from one of my favorite David Whyte poems. Writing it has been part of my journey, hence the delay in the “August” newsletter. I thank you for being a part of this newsletter, a part of my journey. May you greet every day arriving…
The Journey
Above the mountains
the geese turn into
the light again
Painting their
black silhouettes
on an open sky.
Sometimes everything
has to be
inscribed across
the heavens
so you can find
the one line
already written
inside you.
Sometimes it takes
a great sky
to find that small, bright
and indescribable
wedge of freedom
in your own heart.
Sometimes with
the bones of the black
sticks left when the fire
has gone out
someone has written
something new
in the ashes of your life.
You are not leaving
you are arriving.
– David Whyte
In January I wrote the words of this poem on a blank piece of white paper, folded it neatly into a card, and placed it inconspicuously in my son’s backpack. He was embarking on his journey to the other side of the world – his destinations were uncertain, his walking forward inevitable, his peace with the journey certain.
My offering of the poem was an invitation for him to greet everyday arriving. I wanted myself to do the same and I believed in that space my peace was certain. However, as the first day turned into the first week, I began to realize the extent that I was not at peace. His “arriving” quickly changed to his “leaving”. I found myself in a place longing for what had been. My grasp so tight, my suffering inevitable, my peace so distant.
With my peace so distant, so uncertain, David Whyte’s profound words began to come alive for me – this was my arriving, my journey. From this space I began to deepen my yoga practice. I observed the way that the eight limbs of yoga were expanding into my life by allowing me this opportunity to re-discover my true nature, to be at peace with me, to be at peace with the world, to be at peace with Tony’s arriving. I began looking: for the place my discomfort stemmed, what I was grasping, where I was in denial and disconnected from source. My looking inward through pratyahara, allowed me to move toward silence and listen. As introspection deepened through dharana my my vision cleared.
This new awareness allowed for deep shifts to take place, shifts where I could begin recognizing my fears, my misperceptions, my unreal beliefs. Those ranged from wanting our relationship to remain the same, to a space of waiting, being “on hold” until he returned. The next layer held even deeper fears – fears of losing him, losing our relationship, losing my identity. As uncomfortable as all of this was to face, my practice brought me to a space where I could be content with feeling and experiencing this darkness. An even deeper contentment arose as I took that experience off the mat and began writing about it, talking about it. Little by slowly my view of this became one without the constant pull of my expectations and fears. In that space, I experienced a release as I allowed myself to feel what was beyond the fear – sadness, anger, longing, loneliness. I was then free to experience how much I missed our daily contact. This softening opened my heart to experience the deep, amazing love that I feel for him, the pride I felt for his adventurous spirit, the profound connection our hearts hold – a connection beyond miles and oceans.
I would love to say that peace was certain at each stage, but that would not be true. What I can say is that I discovered through my journey into the dark, into the ashes, that beautiful wedge of freedom in my own heart. What I can say is that I re-discovered the line already written inside me – in the journey of arriving peace is certain.
I am very grateful for Tony whose courage and strength to begin his journey, allowed me to begin this new phase of my journey, my arriving – every day arriving.